Categories
Family Relationships

Love and Money

Daddy cut off my allowance. Daddy don’t love me no more.

Talked to my therapist about this last night. My therapist told me that it is okay to feel hurt over this, so I guess it’s okay to write about it.

My father has been extremely patient and generous with me since I left the world of medicine. I don’t like being dependent on my father for money, yet I still dragged my feet as far as becoming financially independent. A few months ago, I asked my father for money to pay for an online course in medical transcription. I told him I would have a job within 6 months and be able to pay my own living expenses. He said okay.

I have kept him up to date with my progress in the course. He knows that I have not yet finished the course. I called him two weeks ago. After a minute and a half of one-word answers to my questions, he hung up. He has since been in New York City on business, but I have not heard from him. I expect that I never will.

Now, I knew the day would come when my father would stop financial support. At 42, I am way too old for an allowance. I guess I thought that he would at least be man enough to come right out and say so rather than simply hang up on me.

My father shows his love with money. When he talks about how much he loves his family, it’s always about the financial support he has provided. My father worked hard all of his life to provide for the family. He has very specific hopes and dreams for his family. None of us have met his expectations. It wasn’t for a lack of trying. Lord knows that each of us have done our best to please that man. We just don’t measure up to the standard he set. No matter what we do, we never will.

Earlier I mentioned that I have been dragging my feet on finding a job. I think I figured out why. I shattered my father’s dreams by not finishing my medical training and going into practice. But I knew in my heart that if my dad helped me financially, he still loved me. To me, financial support IS love.

So I can’t pay the rent, can’t pay for medications. Heck, I didn’t even pay my therapist last night. But what bothers me most? Daddy doesn’t love me anymore.

Categories
Communication Family Relationships

Letter to my mother

Hi Mommy,

How are you? Are you warm enough with the clothes we sent you? Daddy sent more money today for you and Susan. I hope you have enough, and that you are happy.

I have thought a lot about you over the past seven years. I never thought that we had much in common. Then I remembered that you left your mother in China when you were young. You did not have her to talk to when you got married, or had babies, or had problems with Daddy. It’s too late for me to have a baby, but I don’t have you to talk to for all that other “woman” stuff that you were going to tell me about after I got married. I don’t have my mommy for my adult life, just like you didn’t.

It was very brave of you to leave your home and your country to come to the United States, not knowing what the future held for you. I never thought about that while you were alive. I realize now that I did not get my courage and determination from Daddy. It came from you.

I miss you.

Love,
Eva

Categories
Communication Family Relationships Forgiveness Self-development

Forgiveness

During one of my rare father-daughter moments with my dad, he asked me why my sisters and I were upset about him adopting an adult son in China. I told him that all us girls thought that he had gotten over not having a biological son, so when he told us about the adoption, we were hurt that we were not enough for him. He looked quite puzzled. Then he explained how he needed a “son” in China to take of family that was left there. It had nothing to do with us girls. He didn’t mean to hurt our feelings. But there was no apology for hurting our feelings. Basically, he didn’t mean it that way, so we shouldn’t take it that way.

Over the years, I’ve come to decide that it was his way of asking for forgiveness. I mean, he isn’t about to apologize, so I better stop expecting it to happen. It has taken me a long time to understand forgiveness as something I do for myself. When I forgive someone, I am no longer going to expect anything to make up for whatever hurt I experienced. I don’t feel like anything is owed to me anymore. What’s done is done, now it is over, we can move forward from this point on. That does NOT mean, however, that I forget what happened. Forgive and forget? That is for doormats. Forgiving releases me from heartache. Forgetting just gives license to others to abuse me repeatedly.

So I forgive my father when he hurts my feelings. That’s how we continue to get along. But I never forget, because how else am I going to learn how I want to be treated by a man?

Categories
Communication Family Relationships

A Man’s Apology

(published with permission from the author)

A Man’s Apology
Aaron C. Peavy

So many years have gone by,
Lost, burnt, utterly destroyed.
Through all of the arguments
With half of a mind I toyed.
As I look back over the years,
My fogged and hazy brain clears,
I see life without the tears.
Hard for me to view my wrongs,
To say you might have been right.
Not my ego in the way,
But the reasons for the fight.
I’ve hated from an ideal,
From a thought of life unreal;
Dignity, from you I steal.
A childhood with a promise
Thought from you I was denied.
Away from you I set out,
I never saw how you cried.
You repaired bridges burned,
From me your heart never turned,
A reward I never earned.
Finally now I am grown,
Can understand my desired:
From a long havoc wreaked past,
A friendship which never tires.
Apology I do rend,
Waiting long before I send,
Guarantee it’s not a trend.
Over ups and downs of life,
A foundation you did lay.
Solid ground upon to stand,
Debt to you I can’t repay.

Categories
Family Relationships

Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

Hmmm, I thought the percentage would be higher …

Your Family Is 52% Dysfunctional

Your family definitely has some problems, but probably nothing that can’t be overcome.
You don’t have the greatest past with your family, and bad feelings may arise when everyone’s together.
It may take some individual or group therapy to work everything out. And that means your family has to admit there’s a problem.
If your family isn’t ready to change, you may need to give them some distance for a while.
Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

I’ll make an original post soon.

Categories
Family Relationships Holiday Blues Personality Traits

Just in time for Mother’s Day

If only I had more time with my mom …

You Are Somewhat Like Your Mom

Believe it or not, you and your mom are pretty darn similar.
It may not seem like it at times, but you and your mom have a lot of common ground.
Over time, you’ll probably get closer … especially if you emphasize the things you like about each other.
Are You Like Your Mom?
Categories
Family Relationships

Obituary delayed

Nancy Yim Geen Mah nee Chang
1930 – 2002
Loving wife, mother, and grandmother.
Courageous woman.
Survived by many people who love and miss her dearly.

Categories
Family Relationships

Things my mother told me

“I love you very much.”

“You are worth a two-carat diamond engagement ring.”

Categories
Family Relationships

Family Binds

It seems all adults swear never to repeat the mistakes of their parents. Well, I did repeat the mistake of my father, and I don’t even have kids.

My dad declares with a straight face that he never plays favorites with us kids, yet it is very plain that I am his favorite. That has bred a lot of resentment which my dad seems totally oblivious to. I never wanted the next generation to experience that kind of environment, but I guess it’s true that, without a good example to follow, we are doomed to repeat the mistakes of our parents.

I have two nephews and a niece. I have a very unique relationship with one of my nephews. Is that playing favorites? I don’t think so, but it doesn’t look that way to the outside world, particularly to my niece and other nephew. Now I have perpetuated what my father did to my generation of the family. And I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I can.

Categories
Family Relationships

Mothers’ Day

I am in Dallas, Texas at an internet marketing conference. I feel guilty because I am nowhere near home. Actually, I feel guilty about feeling RELIEVED that I am nowhere near home for Mothers’ Day. I have gotten so good at avoiding my feelings about my mother’s death. I doubt that I have really worked through it. I have gone on with my life. I think about my mom often. Probably more often now than I did when she was alive. Why couldn’t I have realized how much I loved her while she was alive? Why did I take her for granted? Why does it still hurt so much? When will the little girl inside of me let go?