Categories
Clinical Depression Effexor withdrawal

An Unmedicated State

I am medication free now. I made it through Effexor withdrawal. No more splitting headaches. No more sudden nausea. No more making myself seasick by turning my head too fast. I even survived a 49-hour cross country road trip without getting carsick. And I’m back to my constipated self.

But I cry at the drop of a hat. Some mornings, I wake up petrified. I don’t want to open my eyes or crawl out from under the covers. For awhile I was afraid to go to sleep because I so dreaded that feeling of terror that I knew would overwhelm me as soon as I woke up. I don’t want to see old friends because I can’t explain all the dumb decisions I’ve made over the past 10 years. Everybody has gotten married, had kids, have great jobs. To hit them with what I’ve been up to would be cruel and unusual punishment. And meeting new people? Forget that. I am not worth getting to know.

Now I remember why I was started on medications 15 years ago. Depression has invaded my persona again. I need new coping skills.

Categories
Clinical Depression Holiday Blues

Stoic Poet

I want to stop the tears
Turn off the water spout
Wish I could reach into my chest
and rip my heart right out

My bane, such pain
it’s driving me insane
Someone whack me with a cane
and release me from the strain

I don’t want to cry anymore
I am drowning deep within my core
Muscles are tight and sore
Life is too much a chore

Someday it will all end
I’ll break instead of bend
The ending of that trend
Will be such a God send

Categories
Clinical Depression

Another day, another year

Happy Birthday to Me.
Happy Birthday to Me.
After 40 years of agony,
I want to be free.

Where is my serenity?
I live in a sea
awash with paranoia.
Is there any hope for me?

Depression is killing me,
not physically, but spiritually.
Constantly seeking answers
is wearing badly on me.

Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday to me.
In my world of confusion,
I want peace and tranquility.

Categories
Clinical Depression

Residual

See this pill?
Just look, little girl.
Do not crush or chew.
Simply swallow
and peace comes to you.

It will let you sleep.
It will let you dream.
It will dry away your tears.
It will answer all your prayers.

Eyes close down.
Brain remains in gear.
Can’t find the stairs,
but gotta get over there.
What always remains
is fear.

Categories
Clinical Depression Personality Traits

Am I depressed?

Okay, how do you tell the difference between depression due to chemical imbalances of the brain versus depression due to your situation in life? Hell if I know.

So I increased my meds like my shrink suggested to do. At the same time, my boyfriend’s mother has become even more annoying and intrusive. I went back to my original medication regimen after a week because I felt like I was ready to jump out of my skin. But was that because of my brain gone haywire, or my life gone haywire?

To clarify, my life hasn’t really gone completely haywire, just parts of it. But it seems like there is no immediate solution. Maybe not even one in the future. Is that my mind’s eye going blind, or my depressive personality trait, or the drama queen in me?

My shrink deserves WAY more than I pay him.

Categories
Clinical Depression

Are you depressed?

Your Depression Level: 48%

You seem to have mild depression.

A lot of people fall into your range, and it’s quite possible you don’t need treatment.

If you’ve been feeling this way for a while, you may want to seek help.

Are You Depressed?


Mild depression … guess it’s a good thing that my medication was increased this week.

Have you seen that television commercial for one of the antidepressants that says some people, I forget the percentage that was quoted, often continue with residual symptoms of depression even during treatment? Now, I hate the fact that pharmaceutical companies can advertise their prescription drugs, but this commercial at least had some good information in it. Treatment is dynamic. Just because you pop a pill doesn’t mean that all of your problems are solved. And just because you are popping a pill and you still feel bad, doesn’t mean that you are hopeless and cannot be treated. My treatment plan has been through several changes in the last ten years. Therapy appointment frequency has gone up and down. My medication regimen have been increased, decreased, and even changed altogether. Through all of it, I have had periods during which I felt great, and periods when I wanted to die. You will still have mood changes even with treatment. Change is what makes life interesting. But if you continue with symptoms of depression between appointments with your mental health professional, please bring it up the next time you see him or her. Life is to be enjoyed. You deserve to enjoy your life. Take control and keep searching for answers and solutions.

Categories
Clinical Depression

Hooked on a feeling

I apologize for not posting in awhile. I’ve been in an awful funk lately, letting people and circumstances get to me. Been wallowing in a private pity party, yet again.

I’ve been taking my meds and seeing my therapist like I’m supposed to be doing, just as prescribed. Really can’t blame treatment for this one.

Clinical depression is not just a state of mind, it is an entire lifestyle. Even though the medications help lift my mood and focus my mind, I still have to break a lifetime of bad habits. I have to learn how to deal with things in a positive manner. Pessimism must be converted to optimism. Paranoia must be kept at bay. Feelings have to be shared, not bottled up inside. The body must stay active.

Anybody got a pill for that?

Categories
Clinical Depression

Depression as a mental illness

I bet you know somebody that whenever her name comes up in conversation, someone will undoubtedly say, “She’s off in her own little world.” Since being off in “your own little world” implies not being in this one, the “real” one, does that not suggest being out of touch with reality? Isn’t being out of touch with reality the definition of psychosis?

I am at a point now where I can look back at when I was severely depressed and see how flawed my thinking was at the time. My world was black and white. More black than white. My view of the world was very dark. Everybody was against me. Nobody believed a word I said. Nothing I did would ever improve things. The world would be better off without me in it. I had to have driven my therapist nuts! His attempts at logic hardly made a dent in my thinking.

I got better. How I am not sure. Psychosis was never mentioned to me. I never took an anti-psychotic medication. I stayed on my antidepressants and kept going to therapy. Now, instead of laying in bed at home watching CourtTV, I am working on building a solid income through internet promotions.

I guess I am writing this because one of my pet peeves is people believing that depression is not a mental illness, but rather a character flaw. Depression means low mood, and everybody has moods. Not everybody gets psychiatric treatment. Not everybody needs psychiatric treatment. When you feel bad, yes you can do things to feel better. But when doing those things to make you feel better don’t work anymore, it’s time to think about seeking some help.

Categories
Clinical Depression

Staring at the future

I went into psychiatry thinking that my own experiences as a psychiatric patient would be helpful. I thought that my experience would help me understand my patients better. I would be able to empathize with them. Maybe I identified too much with them. Maybe it turned out to be a detriment.

I think about going back and completing my residency. I want to, but I don’t know if I can handle it. Do I really want to spend my life, make a career out of, staring at what I will become in the future?

Currently, I am doing okay with my depression. My medical training tells me, though, that with my history, I am likely to battle clinical depression for the rest of my life. People often have one episode of clinical depression and are never bothered by it again. Sometimes a second episode will occur. Three or more, like I have in my history, is predictive of lifelong chronic depression. If I am smart, which I like to think that I am, I will be on antidepressant medication for the rest of my life.

I will likely become a bitter old woman, seeing the world through black-colored glasses. I may constantly complain about what a rotten life I had. Make something negative out of everything. Drive away everyone important to me until the only person I have left to talk to is my psychiatrist.

How can I be at both ends of that relationship?

Categories
Clinical Depression

What’s it feel like?

You know what I think is the absolute worst feeling in the world?

Complete and utter loss of control.

That sense of helplessness.

Feeling like there is nothing you can do to change anything.