Categories
Clinical Depression

Staring at the future

I went into psychiatry thinking that my own experiences as a psychiatric patient would be helpful. I thought that my experience would help me understand my patients better. I would be able to empathize with them. Maybe I identified too much with them. Maybe it turned out to be a detriment.

I think about going back and completing my residency. I want to, but I don’t know if I can handle it. Do I really want to spend my life, make a career out of, staring at what I will become in the future?

Currently, I am doing okay with my depression. My medical training tells me, though, that with my history, I am likely to battle clinical depression for the rest of my life. People often have one episode of clinical depression and are never bothered by it again. Sometimes a second episode will occur. Three or more, like I have in my history, is predictive of lifelong chronic depression. If I am smart, which I like to think that I am, I will be on antidepressant medication for the rest of my life.

I will likely become a bitter old woman, seeing the world through black-colored glasses. I may constantly complain about what a rotten life I had. Make something negative out of everything. Drive away everyone important to me until the only person I have left to talk to is my psychiatrist.

How can I be at both ends of that relationship?

Categories
Family Relationships

Mothers’ Day

I am in Dallas, Texas at an internet marketing conference. I feel guilty because I am nowhere near home. Actually, I feel guilty about feeling RELIEVED that I am nowhere near home for Mothers’ Day. I have gotten so good at avoiding my feelings about my mother’s death. I doubt that I have really worked through it. I have gone on with my life. I think about my mom often. Probably more often now than I did when she was alive. Why couldn’t I have realized how much I loved her while she was alive? Why did I take her for granted? Why does it still hurt so much? When will the little girl inside of me let go?